Sport
by DarkToLight
Summary: Soi Fon is on a mission. Her objective? Juushirou Ukitake, of course. -UkiFon, UkitakexSoi Fon- -romance is only light-


**Hi guys!**

Inspired by the little Japanese-only omake ending where the SWA are collecting pictures to raise funds, and Soi Fon goes to rather extreme lengths to obtain some of Ukitake.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, or any of the characters or locations, and I make no money from this story. What I DO earn is being pestered by a friend until I wrote it... Lots of of perstering... A lot of pestering goes a long way!

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**Sport**

_[She got his pants, too… Literally]_

Soi Fon was on a Mission. This was the reason why, right then, she was crouched in a tree with a pad of paper in her hand, taking Mission Notes.

_Time: 0800 hours_, she wrote. _Subject is in the garden of the Ugendou Quarters._ She heard a cry of dismay. Subject _has failed to correctly prune Bonsai trees. Suggestion – hire a gardener, or someone suitable in future._ She got out a pair of binoculars, using them to peer more closely into the garden from the tree she was sat in. _Time: 0805 hours. Subject is returning to inner quarters. Commencing trailing._ That recorded, she closed her book, replaced it in her uniform and jumped silently down from the tree, like a cat. Except she was not, of course, a cat. If anything she was characterised by a hornet. Or a bee. But not a cat.

She silenced one of the Ukitake family servants with a knockout jab when she was in danger of being discovered, then crawled over the roof and peeked into the room her subject had gone into. _Time: 0830 hours. Subject is preparing to bathe. Further research must be done into this._ She watched as her subject removed his shirt, resisting the urge to move. She must remain silent, as silent as a cat… Mouse… Something even silenter than those things. The Mission was paramount.

She watched as her subject yawned widely.

"Mmm… I'll have to go back to the Seireitei tomorrow… Retsu will be getting worried if I don't…" He remarked to himself. Soi Fon's eyes narrowed.

_Time: 0833 hours. Subject is exhibiting affection for outside body. Source of affection must be swiftly dealt with._ She wrote, telling herself sternly that she was in no way going to hurt Captain Unohana. Much. _Subject is leaving to bathe. Further surveillance not possible without subject noticing. Terminating Subject Watch for today._

Soi Fon crept from the Ukitake residence, telling herself that she was in no way disappointed with the poor outcome of the surveillance.

* * *

Juushirou Ukitake returned to the Seireitei from an extended period of convalescence the next day and, after a quick check-up by Captain Unohana, attended a Captain's meeting.

_12th April_, Soi Fon wrote carefully in her Subject Surveillance Book. _Time: 1345. Subject is attending meeting with all Captains. Behaviour is being observed._

"Soi Fon?" Hitsugaya asked. "What are you writing?"

"Squad 2 business," she snapped at him, closing the book. "Certainly none of Squad 10's." Hitsugaya crossed his arms, looking irritated. The look wasn't all too dissimilar to his customary one. She ignored him, returning to watching The Subject intently. He seemed at ease, and in good health – the time was ripe for her to strike. She just needed a little more information, then she could make her move. She knew she had to be very careful, though. The success or failure of the Mission depended on where she cornered The Subject.

And on the location of the Enemy at the time.

* * *

"So," her Lieutenant started, "what you want me to do is grab someone very, very loyal, bash them over the head, and make sure it's Captain Unohana who's called out to do retrieval?" Soi Fon nodded, arms crossed, a serious expression on her face.

"Her distraction is paramount to the success of my Mission," she told him strictly.

"Mission, Captain?" He asked. A flicker of irritation passed across Soi Fon's face.

"Don't question, just _do_, else it will be you who is injured," she threatened, Suzumebachi close to his face. He made a strangled noise.

"Y-yes ma'am!" He replied. "I-I'll let you know when success has been achieved!" Soi Fon nodded and removed her sword from his face.

"Good," she decided. "Get moving. Quickly!" Her Lieutenant instantly saluted and disappeared faster than she had ever seen him move.

A little threatening went a long way.

* * *

_Time: 1532. Subject is alone in Squad 13 gardens. Awaiting report from scouts_, Soi Fon wrote carefully, watching the Subject to make sure he didn't wander out of sight before her messenger appeared.

"_Captain Fon! This is the Third Seat reporting a successful distraction, ma'am!"_ The message came in the form of the Tentei Kura.

"Excellent," Soi Fon remarked, drawing some kunais from her belt. _Time: 1535. Engaging mission Subject Capture_. She stood up and secreted her book, creeping quietly into the garden.

* * *

The Subject turned as she approached.

"Soi-" He started, but she had him pinned to the closest tree with four swift throws of her kunais. "S-Soi Fon! What's going on?" He exclaimed. "P-please don't throw any of those at me…" Soi Fon drew her zanpaku-to.

"For the sake of the mission, Captain Ukitake, I'm afraid you are going to need a new uniform," she informed him, and he went even paler than usual.

"C-can't we talk about this?" He asked weakly, but Soi Fon moved in at light speed and sliced away the top half of his clothing. "S-Soi Fon!" He protested. "What mission?" Soi Fon got out her book and held it open at the first page for him to read from his position of pinned to the tree. "…Mission Objective: Obtain Juushirou Ukitake… Obtain my what?"

"There is no 'what'," Soi Fon told him. "Can't you read?" The Subject bit his lip.

"Um… M-may I ask _why _you wish to… Er… 'Obtain' me?" He asked, sounding somewhat dubious. Soi Fon turned to the second page for his benefit. "A study of the Subject… Hey, don't I get a name?"

"Just read," Soi Fon snapped, and he instantly turned back to the book, clearly fearing for his life, or at least his clothing and/or manhood.

"Ahem… It has become clear that the Subject is the best looking available bachelor in the Seireitei… After much research it is definite that he is also, undeniably, perfect…" He blinked. "Perfect? Hardly."

"I beg to differ," Soi Fon responded. "And I shall have my proof soon enough." The Subject swallowed nervously.

"Wh-what exactly does this 'proof' involve?" He asked hesitantly. Soi Fon brandished a Kunai.

"Just to confirm that all of you is perfect," she responded with a scary gleam in her eyes. He made a rather un-manly squeak of fright, trying to back into the tree he was pinned to.

"S-Soi Fon… C-can we please d-discuss this like ad-dults?" He pleaded. "Because I-I'm rather at-tached to m-my uniform…" In response, Soi Fon flicked three kunais in quick succession, effectively depriving him of pretty much all of his uniform. "S-Soi Fon! Please!" The Subject pleaded. She opened her book, carefully turning to her current page.

_Time: 1545 hours_, she both wrote and dictated. _Confirmation of original hypothesis that Subject is perfect. Commencing detailed studies of the subject._

"Wh-what? Hey! P-put that pen away! Soi Fon!" She ignored him, instead doing a swift sketch of him pinned to the tree, to accompany her sketches of him in various other states of undress.

_Time: 1550 hours. Moving on to full detail_, she wrote, saying it very slowly for the Subject's benefit.

"Soi Fon!" He whined, tugging against his binds desperately. "Th-this has got to be against the law!"

"You have a better suggestion?" She demanded. "How else am I to confirm your perfection?"

"You could have asked nicely," he offered weakly. Soi Fon paused.

_Time: 1551 hours. Subject is experiencing delusions_, she wrote.

"Soi," the Subject tried again. "I am not experiencing delusions!"

_Subject is also in extreme denial_, she penned, glancing up at him and doing a quick sketch of his face.

"Soi Fon," he started, his voice somewhat under control now. "If you really do feel that way about me, and aren't doing this because the SWA asked you to get more pictures, you could have just _told_ me." He bit his lip, looking uncertain. "I… Wouldn't have turned you down, you know."

_Subject is experiencing Stockholm Syndrome_, Soi Fon wrote. _Concern for the subject's mental health is increasing. Speeding up completion of mission._

"N-no!" the Subject protested, grabbing her wrist even though it meant he lost pretty much all that was left of his upper-body clothing. "I'm not mental… Certainly not by your standards…" He assured her.

"You are impeding my ability to complete my Mission, Captain Ukitake," she informed him coldly. "Please release me." The Subject looked as though he was about to comment on her extreme hypocriticness, but decided against it when she produced a kunai.

"Look, just listen," he begged. "Do you really… Feel that way about me?"

"If this much has not been made clear to you already, your mental health is clearly affected by your physical health," she snapped irritably. "Let go of my wrist."

"Soi Fon, I…" He started, then sighed wearily. "You should just talk to me. You can't achieve everything by stealth."

"I've managed perfectly well so far," she disagreed.

"Love is not subjected to the usual rules," he remarked wryly. "It never is. It's strange like that… G-get that Kunai away from there!"

"I am one hundred percent accurate with my aim," she informed him coldly.

"Th-that's what worries me," he confessed. "Look, just… Um… Release me from being pinned to this tree by sharp pointy things-"

"Kunai," Soi Fon supplied helpfully.

"Uh, yeah, them… And then we can go and discuss this in a way that doesn't involve anything with a sharp edge, ok?" Soi Fon shook her head.

"That would involve failing my Mission. This is not acceptable in Squad 2," she told him. The Subject bit his lip and made a weak noise.

"Look, just… Give it time, and… It won't," he offered. "Wouldn't you prefer an opportunity to, uh… 'Study' me for longer, and, uh, not pinned to a tree?" This brought Soi Fon up short.

"Are you suggesting that we get involved in a relationship?" She asked. The Subject nodded slowly. "A long-term, romatic relationship?" More nodding. "Subject has definitely lost his mind," she muttered, unable to write it down due to her arm being grabbed.

"Soi Fon! Does maybe… Liking you back… When not pinned to a tree by sharp objects mean I've lost my mind?" He protested. Soi Fon glared.

"It has already been determined that you are perfect," she reminded him. "I was not aware that you would select me when there are many other females available in the Seireitei who are much better-looking and better-tempered… Such as Captain Unohana…"

"Retsu? Better _tempered_?" The Subject repeated, before slowly bursting into laughter. "That's the best joke I've heard all year! She's a _monster_, poorly disguised as a woman!" It was now Soi Fon's turn to blink in confusion. "Retsu and I are just friends," he clarified. "We've known each other for a long time. If we were going to be involved in that way, don't you think it would have happened by now?"

"Well… I…" Soi Fon tried, momentarily at a loss for words, not a situation she enjoyed at all. "My observations indicated that…" The Subject sighed and shook his head.

"Look, Soi, just trust me, ok?" He tried. "Just, uh, unpin me from the tree and we'll go talk, ok? Long-term surveillance opportunities?" Soi Fon studied his face intently. Upon deciding that he was, in fact, sincere, she pulled the kunais out of the tree and stored them back in her belt, as he attempted to regain some of his dignity whilst wearing essentially only his underwear and a few randomly-placed rags.

"If you are deceiving me, do not think it will go undiscovered and unpunished," she threatened, brandishing her sword.

"I-I'm not playing a joke. Swear on my life… Not that it looks like I have much choice…" He responded. "Just trust me." Soi Fon looked at him – standing there forlornly with a pleading look on his face and very little clothing – and nodded, once. A relieved smile spread across his face.

She'd get her detailed study of his body yet.

* * *

_Time: 1615 hours. Subject has agreed to long-term study of behaviour. A bigger book will be needed._

**A/N - **let me know what you think! I've never written Soi Fon before, so if she was in any way OOC (or if Uki was, for that matter) please let me know ^^

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